Marriage Equality Can’t Be Taken Away From Us!
My book Modern Brides & Modern: A Guide to Planning Straight, Gay, and Other Nontraditional Twenty-First Century Weddings, was first released in 2014, a year after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). And the following year, as I began a podcast interview to promote the book–on the Friday morning of New York City Pride weekend, no less–the Supreme Court made marriage equality the law of the land.
The host of the podcast and I expressed a mix of relief and exuberance as we discussed how the main thrust of Modern Brides & Modern Grooms — that marriage equality is not just about rights for gay people, but, as psychologists like Shawn M. Burn and Catherine Aponte have also found in their research, that it more broadly represents how our ideas of love and marriage have evolved and expanded for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation — was emphasized in both the Supreme Court’s majority and dissenting opinions.
Namely, while Anthony Kennedy wrote that by “forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were,” Antonin Scalia countered him by stating:
“One would think Freedom of Intimacy is abridged rather than expanded by marriage. Ask the nearest hippie. Expression, sure enough, is a freedom, but anyone in a long-lasting marriage will attest that that happy state constricts, rather than expands, what one can prudently say.”
Interestingly, Scalia didn’t necessarily disagree with Kennedy’s assertion that our cultural ideal of marriage has largely become an aspiration to expand ourselves through our relationships. But rather he argued that marriage as an institution — determined by his extremely literal, and antiquated, reading of the constitution (which was written in 1787, lest you forgot…) — SHOULD constrict one’s freedom to self-expression, regardless of our cultural values of the moment. In other words, he believed our social practices should follow the constitution word for word, even at the cost of enduring joyless marriages. (As my husband said at the time, “I feel bad for his wife.”
Fortunately the majority of the justices in 2015 agreed that we ALL, equally must have the opportunity to pursue our country’s “highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family,” under the law. Again, this decision, of course, does not only have legal implications, but it acknowledges the benefits to our mental health when we allow one another the opportunity to live and love with as much freedom and dignity as possible.
Seven years later to the day, on another Friday morning before Pride weekend, as I sat down for yet another interview for Modern Brides & Modern Grooms (this time for the podcast, Psychology Talk), a very different groundbreaking Supreme Court decision was announced. Only this time the court TOOK AWAY a constitutional right. I’m of course referring to the overturning of Roe v. Wade, which had granted women the right to choose what happens to their bodies when they are pregnant, and which had been a precedent in our country since before I was born. Along with ruling in favor of this tragic outcome, Justice Clarence Thomas, for one, also advocated for the court to reverse Obergefell v. Hodges: the marriage equality decision of 2015.
Dr. Scott Hoye — the host of the podcast on which I was being interviewed — and I, found ourselves shocked and despondent, even though the news was, unfortunately, not a surprise. But as we discussed the themes of my book, which are as relevant as ever, we both came to realize that though SCOTUS may try to turn the American clock back to 1787, they cannot erase the lives we are actually living in the twenty-first century. Yes, their current ideological trend will cause a great deal of damage. Yes, rights will be taken away and lives will be damaged, if not entirely destroyed. But even so, the way we live and love, and the values we ascribe to our relationships will continue as they are, not as the conservative justices believe they should be.
In closing, I leave you with a few words Dr. Hoye said of Modern Brides & Modern Grooms during our conversation, which I hope you take to heart, no matter who you are, or whom you love, and no matter what conservative judges, or anyone else, thinks of you and your family:
“When things are just abided unconsciously, we lose sight of intention and meaning. Mark’s book re-affirms and reinvigorates the idea of the wedding as a meaning-making, social event, just as theatre is, especially participatory theatre. In essence, the legalization of same sex marriage has afforded everyone the opportunity to think outside of the box regarding their marriages and social constructs. It’s freeing for everyone.”
